I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
