I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
