please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
These tits shall not be calmed
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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