I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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