Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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