I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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