I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
