why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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