Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
it's great music for shaving your balls
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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