you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
