Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
