someone owes me an orgasm
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
