What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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