After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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