Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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