Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
