If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
