I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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