Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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