____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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