Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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