I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.