I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"