ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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