i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
