That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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