My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
