If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
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You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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