I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
True strength comes from lack of pants
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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