capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
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If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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