she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
