It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
