Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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