Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
