It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
