I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
