he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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