I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
