i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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