I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
