You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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