I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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