i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
