Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.