Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed