I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?