You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
