Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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