You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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