And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
