he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
