I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
