i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
