Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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