I will die if light touches me.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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