Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
