A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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