If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
