clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
