Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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