Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Randomize
