tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
