i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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