Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
