I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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