Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
